It goes without saying. You have to deal with your own baggage before you help anyone else with theirs. While I was becoming a coach one of the things I had to deal with, was realizing that I had sometimes been a bitch to people I loved. What I mean is that I would sometimes exert my opinion too harshly, and leave some hurt feelings in my wake.

One night I started to think about some of the situations I had been a bitch in, and I started to feel really guilty about them. I was punishing myself for my past actions, even though I knew there wasn’t much point in doing so. I decided the best thing to do was to write a letter to the people that I had hurt.

So there I was, pen scribbling over paper, when the phone rang. On the other end of the line was a representative from a company that had provided very poor service to me in the past. They were looking for me to return as a customer. I firmly told the person on the phone about the previous situations and explained that I would absolutely not be using their services. I was direct and to the point, and there was no mistaking the tone in my voice. I was sending a clear message.

When I got off the phone I started to laugh. I realized that I had just been a bitch, in the middle of writing letters apologizing for being a bitch. I was not mean to the man I was speaking with on the phone, but I was firm in my resolve not to do business with them. I’m sure if somebody had overheard the call they may have accused me of being a bitch, but it seemed that the situation had called for it.

Ultimately, I had the opportunity to use my ‘bitch’ quality for something that did serve me. Suddenly the teachings of Debbie Ford’s The Dark Side of the Light Chasers came to mind. This situation had illustrated her message for me perfectly. In her book, Ford says that there are no positives and negatives, only things that serve us and things that don’t. My ability to be a bitch has served me in my career on many occasions; however, it did not serve me in those moments with my friends. Now, I make a conscious effort to use it only where it’s needed. Call the quality what you will, but having the ability to be firm and fair comes in handy and can be extremely helpful.

What isn’t helpful, is punishing ourselves. All that we can do is accept what we did, try to right the wrong and do better next time.